Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Most business leaders believe that handling conflict privately protects team engagement and relationships, but it's actually destroying both. Welcome to the High Impact Leader Podcast, a leadership podcast for business owners and leaders who want self managing teams, stronger accountability and scalable performance without carrying everything themselves. If you're ready to focus on leadership design, not just effort, you're in the right place.
[00:00:27] Hey, I'm Brendan Rogers. So let me remind you what I just said. Most leaders believe that handling conflict privately protects relationships and team engagement, but it's actually destroying both. And I get why leaders do this. You want to protect people's feelings, you want to avoid drama, you want to be fair and listen to both sides.
[00:00:51] That comes from a good place.
[00:00:53] That's the reality of leading through people.
[00:00:57] But here's what's actually happening behind the scenes.
[00:01:01] There's a certain kind of conflict that sneaks up on you. It's not loud, it's not dramatic, it's quiet.
[00:01:09] Someone is upset, someone feels left out.
[00:01:13] Someone says, I heard that.
[00:01:15] And you're sitting there thinking, if I say this wrong, I'll make it worse. But if I don't deal with it, it spreads. So what do you do?
[00:01:24] You handle it privately. One person comes to you, you listen, then you speak to the other person separately.
[00:01:32] Then you try to piece together the truth.
[00:01:35] Now you're in the middle.
[00:01:37] That's called triangulation.
[00:01:39] This is one of the most common leadership patterns in growing businesses.
[00:01:45] And here's what it actually costs you.
[00:01:47] Side conversations increase.
[00:01:50] People learn that if they escalate emotion and get private access to you, they get attention. So they do it more.
[00:01:59] Managing up increases.
[00:02:01] Instead of resolving directly with each other, people come to you.
[00:02:05] Ownership drifts upward.
[00:02:07] Accountability drops.
[00:02:09] When conflict is handled in separate rooms, people defend themselves instead of owning their part.
[00:02:16] The truth gets distorted.
[00:02:19] Team engagement weakens.
[00:02:22] People don't trust the process because the process is hidden. They're wondering what was said about them. They're wondering if they're being treated fairly.
[00:02:31] And decision making slows because people are focused on defending themselves instead of solving the problem.
[00:02:39] Your leadership load grows.
[00:02:41] I spoke to a leader recently who said something simple but very honest.
[00:02:46] My tank is empty.
[00:02:48] The business is strong, the people are capable. But conflict was being handled in separate rooms and it was draining him.
[00:02:56] That's the cost of triangulation.
[00:02:59] And most leaders don't realise they're even doing it.
[00:03:04] High impact leadership requires one powerful move to stop triangulation.
[00:03:11] Stop solving conflict in separate rooms. Get the right people in the same room.
[00:03:17] Now, I know what you're probably thinking, if I put them in the same room, it'll explode.
[00:03:22] But here's the truth.
[00:03:24] Separate rooms allow imagination to grow.
[00:03:28] Same room forces reality to settle.
[00:03:32] When people sit across from each other, distortion reduces, gossip reduces, drama reduces. And accountability increases.
[00:03:41] And your team learns something important.
[00:03:44] We resolve conflict directly here.
[00:03:47] That is leadership. Clarity in action.
[00:03:49] That is how you protect team engagement.
[00:03:53] That's how you protect team performance.
[00:03:55] And that is real business leadership.
[00:03:59] Think about it this way. You're not creating conflict by bringing people together. You're revealing conflict that already exists.
[00:04:07] The conflict is already there. It's just hidden. And hidden conflict is what drains team engagement and weakens accountability.
[00:04:16] Visible conflict, handled with clarity, is what builds trust.
[00:04:21] Because people know the truth.
[00:04:24] They know how decisions are made.
[00:04:26] They know the standard. And that's the difference.
[00:04:30] So once people are in the same room, you lead the frame. This is where the three point conversation matters. It's simple and clear enough for anyone to understand.
[00:04:40] Point 1. You name what happened, not what you think it meant, not what you think they intended, just exactly what happened.
[00:04:51] Clear, calm, factual. For example, on Tuesday, in the team meeting, you said X and then you didn't follow up on the commitment we made.
[00:05:01] That's it. There's no emotion, there's no interpretation.
[00:05:06] Point two, name what it affects. The relationship, the team, the standard, the goal, the team performance.
[00:05:16] Connect, behaviour to impact.
[00:05:19] This is where business leadership becomes strong.
[00:05:22] Because now it's not personal, it's about standards. For example, when commitments aren't followed through, the team doesn't know what to rely on. That weakens ownership and accountability and it slows decision making.
[00:05:37] Point three, name what needs to happen next.
[00:05:41] The expectation, the. The boundary, the ownership Shift what changes from today.
[00:05:48] And then stop.
[00:05:50] No over talking, no history lesson and no emotional spiral. For example, going forward, if you commit to something, you own it through to its completion or you communicate the blocker before the deadline. That's the expectation.
[00:06:07] The goal is not to win.
[00:06:09] The goal is to remove uncertainty. And that is leadership design.
[00:06:14] When leaders consistently bring together and use this structure, something powerful happens.
[00:06:20] Side conversations reduce because people know they won't be rewarded for them. Managing up reduces because accountability stays where it belongs.
[00:06:31] Ownership and accountability stabilise.
[00:06:34] Decision making becomes cleaner.
[00:06:37] Your leadership rhythm becomes steadier.
[00:06:40] You're not constantly putting out fires.
[00:06:44] Self managing teams start to form not because people are perfect, but because the system is clear.
[00:06:51] And this is how scalable leadership is built. Not through motivation, but through clarity.
[00:06:57] I worked with a business owner who was drowning in Side conversations.
[00:07:01] His team was capable, but conflict wasn't being handled privately. He made one shift.
[00:07:08] He stopped taking private complaints.
[00:07:11] Instead he said this. Let's bring them in the room and resolve this together.
[00:07:15] The first time he definitely felt a bit uncomfortable. But after three conversations like this, something in him shifted.
[00:07:23] Side conversations had stopped, team engagement had increased, accountability became more real, and his leadership load dropped. Why?
[00:07:33] Because the system was clear.
[00:07:36] Now let's address the other thing you might be thinking about.
[00:07:39] I don't have time for this, but here's the truth. You're already paying for it. You're paying in mental energy, you're paying in distraction. You're paying in reduced team performance.
[00:07:53] Clean conflict protects time, messy conflict consumes it.
[00:07:58] Design conversations reduce leadership load. And that's the difference between reactive leadership and high impact leadership.
[00:08:08] So here's what happens. If you keep handling conflict privately.
[00:08:13] Your team engagement stays fragile, your accountability stays weak, your leadership load keeps growing, your business hits a ceiling. Because self managing teams can't form. Without clarity, decision making slows. And the worst part, you think it's a people problem, but it's actually a design problem.
[00:08:38] So in summary, most leaders believe handling conflict privately protects relationships, but it actually destroys team engagement and weakens accountability.
[00:08:50] Instead, high impact leaders make one core move.
[00:08:54] They stop triangulation, they get the right people in the same room, then use the three point conversation.
[00:09:03] When you do this consistently, something shifts.
[00:09:06] Side conversations reduce managing up, reduces ownership and accountability stabilise decision making, becomes cleaner, your leadership rhythm becomes steadier.
[00:09:20] Self managing teams start to form and not because people are perfect, but because the system is clear.
[00:09:28] That's how you build scalable leadership, that's how you protect team performance and that's how you reduce your leadership load.
[00:09:38] Let me leave you with this closing question.
[00:09:41] Where in your business are. Are you sitting in the middle right now when you should be bringing people into the same room?
[00:09:50] Because that's where your leadership load is hiding and that's where your next breakthrough lives.
[00:09:55] If you want help unpacking this properly, this is exactly what we work through inside the high impact leader club. It's a space for business owners and leaders, including leaders who need to handle tension five fast without becoming the referee. To strengthen leadership design, protect team engagement, strengthen accountability and build scalable leadership inside imperfect systems. You can go to LeaderByDesign AU Club and check out what's inside.
[00:10:27] Design your leadership, build your team lead with impact.
